Voldemort and the Impromptu Holiday
by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap
Summary: Even villains deserve a break.


**Voldemort and the Impromptu Holiday**

For once in Lord Voldemort's life things were starting to look up. He had a body (he really enjoyed having thumbs). He had his trusty followers back. Heck, they were even growing in numbers. Yes, he might not have had a nose but that no longer mattered to him (though he whined about it a lot to Peter Pettigrew who just twitched whenever he was around and said 'My Lord' a lot) because he was finally _winning._

Lord Voldemort was currently pacing back and forth, arms behind his back, Nagini slithering next to him. He stopped his pacing abruptly, dark beady eyes landing on Draco Malfoy. The pale boy shook slightly before him, knees knocking in the quiet room, face ashen. Next to Draco stood Severus Snape, standing tall and proud, completely calm and collected.

Severus had just _murdered_ Albus Dumbledore.

Voldemort imagined there were crows singing everywhere in triumph. When Severus came to him with the news he wasn't sure how to react. He felt a great sense of pride (or maybe it was indigestion, Pettigrew was a poor cook) because one of his men had finally done something right. He was just starting to rethink his existence as an evil villain. It was exhausting being so evil all the time and not having the proper henchmen to follow you and successfully do your bidding.

Pettigrew was useless and Lucius Malfoy was starting to annoy him. It didn't help that his _lair_ just so happened to be Malfoy Manor. It was too dark and drafty for his liking.

"Albus Dumbledore is dead," he said to himself.

"Yes my lord. The boy didn't kill him. I did," Severus said once again, loudly.

Draco's knees knocked together and Voldemort gave him a sharp look, which only increased Draco's nervousness. What did he think he was going to do?

Kill him?

Dying wasn't so bad.

Though if he did kill the boy Voldemort wondered for a moment if he would be able to borrow his nose.

Besides, killing him was _so_ obvious. Draco should not have been afraid of the obvious. He would save the yelling and the reprimanding for later and direct his disappointment towards Lucius who was so red in the face and snarling at his son Voldemort was sure he was going to pop a blood vessel. He honestly couldn't stand Lucius but he was a step up compared to his own worthless father. Lucius was just so smarmy with his full head of hair and thin pointed nose. When Voldemort got total power of the world he would get rid of all of the useless father's out there. That would be his first decree.

Oh, and he'd get rid of Muggles and Muggleborns too. That was up there on his list as well.

"My Lord," Bellatrix Lestrange said, stepping forward and falling to the floor like she had lost all of the bones in her body. She was such a dutiful severant. Sometimes he wondered if he needed another body if she would willingly give hers up. Though Voldemort wasn't sure he would enjoy being a woman. He figured breast would slow him down and they weren't that menacing. Though she did have a nose but Voldemort was certain he couldn't take _himself_ seriously with her lady parts.

"What's next?" she questioned.

Voldemort thought for a moment. What was next? The obvious answer would have to been to kill Potter but he had the entire Wizarding World looking after him like _he_ was some type of lord. He would be under the protection of his pathetic Muggle—Voldemort winced slightly at the thought of them—family.

He stared at his motley crew of lowly Death Eaters, all waiting with baited breath for his instructions.

"Next…next we go on holiday," he said with what he hoped was an air of confidence. Lucius gave him a puzzled look. Bellatrix hung her mouth open. Severus did a double take and Pettigrew smiled. "It's time that I've celebrated."

It was hard being evil all the time. Didn't he deserve a nice holiday too?

Bellatrix clapped her hands like a seal loudly while Severus gave him a dark look.

-X-

Severus Snape did not understand what was wrong with the Dark Lord. He tried to conceal his thoughts as best as he could but the anger was rolling off of his body. He did not know how Voldemort arranged everything so quickly. He supposed it was a quick _crucio_ here and an _imperio_ there that made traveling to Puerto Rico (of all places) quite easy. No one had argued with him but behind his back his idiotic Death Eaters scratched their heads—besides Bellatrix who had of course rushed off to get everything packed—and wondered quite loudly if Voldemort had gone mad.

Severus sincerely hoped he had. Maybe it would make him a nicer person.

He turned his head towards the left, watching as Bellatrix conjured a seat and a white umbrella, eagerly waiting for her Master to get out of the changing rooms. Severus was certain he did not want to see what Voldemort was hiding underneath his robes. The rest of the Death Eaters, as far as he could tell, were trying to sincerely enjoy themselves.

Peter was trying his hardest to make a sandcastle that was starting to resemble Hogwarts but was having some difficulty because Roldoplhus Lestrange, in a banana yellow speedo, kept running out of the water and knocking it down with his skinny legs.

"Severus," Lucius Malfoy whispered, coming up behind him.

Severus raised his hand trying to block out the rays of the sun that were beating down on his pasty white skin. He made Potions for a living. He didn't go outside and sit in the sun eager to tan. His body was covered from his neck down to his toes with his long black robes billowing as a breeze rolled body. It was only his face and hands that were exposed. He was irritable. He was sweating and felt like he was burning underneath the sun.

This was how Lord Voldemort was repaying him for killing Dumbledore. Severus was sure he was in hell as he sipped his pina colada.

"What?" he snapped at Lucius. He was more annoyed that the cabana boy hadn't brought his drink with a tiny green umbrella like everyone else's. He hated feeling excluded.

Lucius gave him a hurt look by the harsh tone in his voice.

"I just wanted to say…thank you."

Severus scoffed. Since when did Death Eaters say thank you? He was positive there was something against that in their handbook. He sipped his drink to keep Lucius waiting in suspense for his response.

"Seriously, _don't_ mention it."

Because he really didn't want to take the credit for killing Albus Dumbledore. In his younger years he would have taken the credit and reveled in the glory. Now, all Severus wanted to do was return to the dungeons and not stare at Lucius Malfoy's hairless white chest, nearly translucent legs and skull speedo.

Bile rose in his throat and he tried his hardest to swallow it down as Voldemort appeared in his vision with the Carrows walking protectively by his sides. He was wearing an orange swimming suit with the words 'Evil but Loveable' in red print on his chest. He had on black sandals that revealed his crusty long black toenails and a beige fishing hat that read, 'I defeated Death.'

Voldemort's dark eyes targeted Severus and in that moment he knew this was how he was going to die. By laughing openly at the Dark Lord. He couldn't silence the laughter that was coming out of his mouth as Voldemort finally reached him.

"My Lord," he said, biting the inside of his cheek. He didn't know how Lucius of all people could keep a straight face as he stared at the Dark Lord. The Carrows remained at attention while Bellatrix pumped her arms and legs, long dark curls blowing in the hot wind as she ran to her master, kneeling in the hot sand.

"I am _honored_ to go on holiday with you, my Lord," she said very seriously.

Voldemort waved his hand at her, not giving her a second glance. He instead placed his hand on Severus, pushing him forward.

"Walk with me Severus." He paused, peering at Severus's face, dark eyes falling on his nose. "What is on your nose?" he questioned.

Severus cursed to himself and smacked his hand on his white lotioned up nose. When he was younger he used to see Muggle lifeguards at the community pool with red swimming suits and white noses that clashed with their tan skin. He figured that was how everyone put on their suntan lotion.

"Suntan lotion, my Lord. So I don't get burned. Narcissa says I have fair skin."

Voldemort nodded his head, fishhooks swinging on his hat. "Oh," he said quietly, a hint of jealousy in his voice. "Well, I don't have a nose so I don't have to worry about that. Severus, I wanted to reward you…"

It was as if the entire world had stopped. The seagulls that were flying in the air were suddenly frozen. Bellatrix, from her position in the sand, was staring up at Severus and Voldemort in wonder, mouth wide open. Lucius nervously placed a white hand on his equally white hairless chest and watched with bated breath. This was finally going to be the end of Severus Snape. He was going to be killed by the sea with a pina colada in his hand.

And a virgin one at that.

Severus exhaled, waiting for the green light to come barreling at him but instead Voldemort opened his arms and motioned with his hands for Severus to come in and embrace him.

Severus gulped.

"I'm sorry…" he said with confusion. "Are you…trying to hug me?"

Voldemort gave him an annoyed look. He had been practicing by himself in the changing rooms for the past ten minutes. He was certain he had the mechanics of a hug down.

"Come here big guy, you deserve it."

Severus inched forward slightly.

Albus Dumbledore was probably rolling around in his grave.

And so the slow awkward hug had been born.

-X-

Voldemort watched the sea from his folding chair, underneath his white umbrella, the waves crashed and kissed the tips of his toes as they died out and met the sand.

Somewhere on the island were the rest of his Death Eaters who had mentioned something about a bar and searching for some 'locals' to terrorize. He wondered if Rabastan, Crabbe and Goyle knew Spanish.

Narcissa sat crossed legged next to him in the sand trying to assist Pettigrew with a sandcastle. Her instructions were very specific and the castle was starting to resemble Malfoy Manor. She was just finishing the first level as Bellatrix, on his left, poked him with one of her long fingernails, batting her dark eyelashes, lips curled in a sinister smile.

"My Lord, let me prove my strength to you. I'm stronger than my brother-in-law who is weak and pathetic."

Voldemort nodded in agreement as Lucius scowled, struggling to keep his arms up as he held up a large leaf, waving it to try and keep Voldemort cool underneath the hot Puerto Rican sun.

"I'm going to wrestle a shark."

Voldemort whistled. It sounded crazy even to him but he nodded his head and waved his hand, dismissing Bellatrix. She had opted to keep her black robes and shoes on. Without much hesitation she ran into the water with an evil cackle, swaying with the waves as she searched for a shark.

He was certain there weren't any sharks in the water but if she did find one he could use it to scare Lucius or Draco. After much reflection Voldemort had decided to punish Draco severely by making him his servant for the entire trip. Peter had been more than happy to give up his position for the next three days. He too held up a heavy left, waving it in the air trying to keep his master cool. His knees still knocked together, shaking his grass skirt, coconut bra drooping a little to the left.

The Malfoy family was a sight for sore eyes and he didn't want to deal with them any longer. He supposed he could feed them all to Bellatrix's shark if she ever found one.

"You're not moving that leaf fast enough," he snapped at Lucius. He shook slightly and Voldemort smiled to himself on the inside. Scaring him was too easy.

Underneath a palm tree sat Severus whose nose was as red as a tomato while the rest of his face remained its pale white color. It was times like these that Voldemort was thankful he didn't have a nose.

"I'm going to join Bellatrix in the water. Get me my floaties," he said, snapping his fingers at Draco.

Draco yelped at the command and rushed off towards the straw bag Voldemort had been carrying around with him. He pulled out two rubber floaties that had little smiling blue octopuses on them and then ran back to hand them to the Dark Lord. Voldemort rose and pushed Lucius aside, pulled the floaties up to his bicep and excitedly walked towards the crystal blue water.

The sand momentarily burned his feet but the tingling sensation from the heat died down as he hit the water.

Bellatrix was kicking and screaming at a large wave that was overpowering her. She tumbled in the water and awkwardly tried to stand as another one hit her.

"Bellatrix!" he shouted, flapping his arms as he tried to reach her. Bellatrix yelped, pushing her sopping dark black hair back and spluttering as another wave hit her. "Do you know how to swim?" he questioned, voice filled with concern. He couldn't afford to lose someone as loyal as her. "I could give you a floaty. I have an extra pair in my bag."

Voldemort was of course always prepared for an emergency.

Bellatrix held her hand to her mouth eyes filling with tears from the sandy water and from the gratitude of her kind master. It was, in her opinion, the best holiday she had ever been on.

 **Author's Note:** **A little something I wrote for the parody challenge. I hope you enjoyed. I'm a bit rusty with my humor so please let me know what you think in the comments below.**


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